why can't you look me in the eye, one last time

WARNING: gen is very very lonely and quite depressed at the moment, so the rest of this post will reflect that. do not read it if you don't want to. I'd advise you not to. its just a way of getting it out. i have tried to keep my posts as un-depressing as i can so far. but tonight's post will not follow that trend. i apologise.

OK, so my life is crap. i feel as if no one cares. people say they're my friends but when i really need someone, no one's around.

people lie, make promises they don't intend to keep, aren't honest, break hearts, get themselves into heaps of crap that they shouldn't be in, are untrustworthy, selfish, self-centered, unfair, and completely indecent sometimes. I'm doing the best i can to get through all the stuff that's going on in my miserable life. but no-one seems to give a turd on a stick, or appreciate my efforts in any way. i try so extremely hard to be a friend to everyone, to help fix other people's lives, when I'm feeling used and empty myself. no one realises. no one gets it. and the only people that ever have, who've ever said they'll never hurt me (they promise), that they'll always be my friend, always be there for me, always love me, have ended up breaking most of those promises, ended up hurting me more than they could ever imagine.

i get mini-heart attacks every time i hear the words Port Hedland, or Nathanael, or Russell, or anything even vaguely related to him. its wearing me out. i try so, so hard to be his best friend, but I'm getting squat-diddly in return. when i really need him the most, he's not there. in the words of anberlin: i thought you said forever, over and over.. yeah, he did. and he wasn't honest, right from the start. i feel used, unappreciated, empty and meaningless. i am heartbroken and he doesn't seem to care. i pray every night that it'll all work out ok. i ask god for strength, patience, scripture and a hint as to what the hell I'm sposed to do next. at the moment I'm taking each day as it comes. but the holidays are soon upon us, and I'm wondering how the heck I'm gonna get through them without something distracting me everyday, without going somewhere or doing something with someone to take my mind off all this. how the HELL am i going to control myself when i see him in January? I'm going to Vanuatu with YWAM. so is he. I'll be lucky to even attempt controlling my body and all its shakes, tears and weak state whenever he's around. especially now. maybe I'll see him before then. who knows. i hope so.. so that at least if I'm not able to control myself, it'd be somewhere where no youth leaders or anyone else can observe my lack of dignity, control and stability. he was and still is a huge part of my life. I'm not doing so great now he's gone. he may have taken himself away from me, but i never took myself away from him. he has still got me, well and truly. its a wonder i don't stop and think: "how can i still love him like i do after what he did?" i just know that i do. i accept his reasons for doing so. i understand. but he is not making it at all fair on me. i need his help and friendship and understanding more than ever before. but he's not there.

i pray that i get through this. i pray i make it out alive, in one piece, or at least with knowledge of if and why it didn't work out in the end. and if it does work out in the end, if i do see him and am able to control myself, and he decides its worth taking me back so that we can give it another shot, and include god this time, I'll be so incredibly happy. i will, truly, get up on a roof and scream for joy. funny, how my life is full of extremes. it can somehow never be in the middle. I'm either extremely happy for a period of time, or really depressed. and the transition is never slow. its sharp, unexpected and as painful as all hell.

and you know the worst part?

i honestly believed, with all my heart, that it would work out this time.

invisible

once again, im sorry if you read all of the above and were upset/shocked/offended/whatever else by it.

i had to put it somewhere. oh, and another thing, i dont want pity. im not trying to give off the impression that i only posted that for attention or pity or so that people will feel sorry for me. as i said, i just needed somewhere to put it.

i'll try to make my next post somewhat happier. it'll be closer to friday by then, i.e closer to green day, so i'll probably be mega-excited by then.

=that gen person=